


An Open Letter to the Doctor

by flowerofnettles



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: I'm not sure if I should even count the Doctor as a character, Implied Tentoo/Rose, This is a little weird, but oh well, open letter, since this isn't really a story, that's about the only relationship mention too, this work is one part a self-evaluation and one part a character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-17
Updated: 2020-01-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:49:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22288924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerofnettles/pseuds/flowerofnettles
Summary: The Internet defines an open letter as "often critical," but this one definitely isn't. This open letter is for the (wo)man who changed my life; it's all the things I wish I could say to you.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	An Open Letter to the Doctor

**Author's Note:**

> This is super different from anything I've ever done, and when I started writing it I expected to stop after a few sentences. But then the words just kept flowing and I _couldn't_ stop. I also didn't plan to publish it anywhere since probably no one would be interested anyway, because it's so personal, but it's been sitting in my folder for weeks now and I just thought what the hell. If anybody does read this I hope you can relate maybe. Have a good weekend!

Dear Doctor,

First of all, I just want to clarify something: I know you’re not real. I know you’re a character in a story. But like you yourself said once, _“You don’t have to be real to be the Doctor.”_ So I decided to write you this letter anyway, because I have a few things to say to you.

The most important thing you need to know is that you are loved. Not just by the people who have been in your life, but by many of us who haven’t. In your world almost no one you’ve saved even knows you exist; in mine, thousands of humans know and love you deeply. That’s the whole point of this letter, really. Please don’t ever forget it, especially those times when you’re alone and you don’t have anyone. It’s those times when we love you the most.

But this letter isn’t from all of us. It’s just from me, so these are the things _I_ need you to know.

You need to know you changed my life. That’s nothing new to you, I guess. You go around changing the life of every being you touch. But usually, if they even know you did it at all, it’s a flash-bang-boom sort of change; you rescue them from some certain doom and sometimes fly them around the universe for a while. So that’s probably what you’re used to people meaning when they say that, and I doubt it surprises you anymore. When ordinary people say it, they usually just mean they really like something—the way people really like mocha lattes and Spotify Premium. But I mean it in a different way than both of those. 

The closest I’ve ever been to the TARDIS was a cardboard cutout of you somebody put in a vintage telephone booth in the city, as a joke. When I say you changed my life, I mean it more subtly than a trip around the solar system and a hop back in time. And I don’t even like mocha lattes.

So what the hell am I rambling about? The short version is: everything you are means something to me. I connect with you in a way I’ve never quite connected with anyone else, real or otherwise. You make me see who I am and give me the inspiration to become who I want to be. So this is a letter to tell you that, and to say thank you.

You can stop reading now if you want. The rest of this letter is just explanations you might not be interested in. But if you want to keep reading, the long version is:

I absolutely adore that you ran away to see the universe. You don’t know the number of times I’ve seriously considered buying a plane ticket to Europe just to see what’s there. I once spent weeks looking up hostels in Florida just in case I got kicked out of my college (don’t ask; my mistake was going there in the first place) because I swore if I did, I wasn’t going home. I was just going to disappear—volunteer somewhere far away and maybe never come back. I’m stabler now, but I still want to travel the world and see everything there is to see…because you never know how short your life is going to be and I want to _experience_ it. If I had access to a TARDIS junkyard, you can bet I’d be rattling all the handles, hoping to find one unlocked too.

I love how you see every place you go as an opportunity of adventure. Granted, wherever you go, it usually is an adventure, but if it weren’t for your outlook, it might not be that way. Whether you’re in a luxury five-star resort in space or in the middle of a small-town grocery store, you take joy in what’s around you and you find ways to see the beauty and excitement in it. I might not ever end up in a luxury five-star resort in space, but since I saw that outlook in you, I’ve started being excited about my small-town grocery store. Thinking that way has made me happier than ever. I seek excitement everywhere, and usually I find it. It’s definitely given me more stories to tell.

Like you, I don’t like being alone either. It’s hard to admit that, believe me I know. Everyone goes through times when they feel that way, I’m sure. But even though I do have friends that I’m very grateful for, and I’m a very independent person anyway, I’ve still been lonely…especially lately because I don’t have that one person who can be the _most_ important to me, and me to him. When I graduate in May, I’m looking out into a future probably on my own. Even though I’m excited about what’s out there and the adventures that will come, part of my heart still breaks at the thought of walking alone without a hand to hold. I think you know how that feels. (I wish you never did, though. I wouldn’t presume to be someone you’d want with you, but if I were, I would love to take that loneliness from you. You deserve it less than anyone else in the universe, and I’m sorry you feel this hurt sometimes too. Just know that some of us do understand what’s it’s like to be self-sufficient but isolated. You’re not alone in that way at least.)

When you come up in conversation and I’m explaining to someone why I love you, I always think about one specific moment. It’s a small moment; most people probably wouldn’t even remember it, least of all you. You were on the Titanic in space—the cruise liner that you saved from crashing on London that one time—and you had just entered the big dining hall during a formal banquet. You’re always the best and brightest person in the room; any version of you could impress and amaze anyone in the universe if you wanted to. This particular version, your Tenth, especially had a way with people and you were all dressed up and nice-looking in your best tux. You could easily have gone over to the group of attractive, wealthy passengers and fit right in. But you didn’t, because they were clearly looking down on of a pair of lower-class passengers sitting nearby. This pair—a husband and wife—were a little on the bigger side, loud and funny and unconcerned about anyone else’s opinion as they ate their huge meal. That’s who you wanted to be around, because you knew you’d like them better. So you sat there and obviously enjoyed their company; you played a prank on the first-class group just to make them laugh. You overlooked all the other passengers and invited a serving girl onto the TARDIS. Then you did everything you could to save them all and grieved when you couldn’t.

That’s what I think about a lot when I think of you, and it’s what I’ve tried to mimic. Just recently I had one of my professors mention he thinks I'm easy to talk to. He’s not the first to say something like that even in the last few weeks; I’ve had people say the same thing many times. I appreciate that people notice this and that it seems to be a positive effect on them, but it’s really not my own doing. It’s yours. It’s because of the love and understanding you have for others—how capable you are of talking to anyone no matter their class or age or species. I’ve never been shy, per se, but there was a long while in my life when I couldn’t figure out if people were worth all the frustrations they caused. It wasn’t until seeing you that I started changing my behavior deliberately to uplift and encourage others; I opened my heart and my conversation up to people around me no matter where I was—in the classroom, in the cafe, on a plane—and found that making someone feel comfortable and interested-in is one of the most rewarding ways to spend my time. And I’ve learned so much by doing it. Having people notice makes me feel like they can see you in me, and that makes me happy too.

Another little moment I love was when you’d been forcibly transported onto a Dalek ship with Amy and Rory, and the Daleks wanted you to teleport down to their asylum on a mission for them. You didn’t notice you did this, but Amy did; your lives were in danger, and possibly others’ lives because, well, it’s the _Daleks_. But in the midst of evaluating your options and establishing your escape routes and tricking the Daleks into talking more about their plans, you saw that Amy and Rory were standing just a little too far apart. Then you fixed your bow tie, an unconscious signal that you were determined to save the day. And to you, saving the day didn’t just mean stopping the evil; it also meant helping a couple save their marriage. Both problems were important to you. I might not be able to save anyone’s life, but I can brighten their life for a moment by considering their thoughts and feelings to be important. I might even be able to save a marriage someday. You inspire me to do that. You treat everyone the same no matter what their rank or position is; you talk to the Queen of England the same way you talk to a slave from another planet. That’s the confidence and kindness I want to have.

I hope you don’t think this is shallow, but another thing that helped me grow was seeing you change your face. I worried about my looks once. Most people do at one time or another, I think. I’ve never let it consume me, and I’ve never necessarily hated my appearance or anything like that, but it was watching you that made me let go of that insecurity completely. You’re always just as confident and open and unselfconscious no matter what you look like. You’re always the same Doctor; whether you’re a supermodel or an average person or if you had some kind of disfigurement, you’d still talk to people and go places and live your life just the same. So whether my face is full of makeup and I’m wearing heels or if my hair’s wild and I’m in sweats, whether I know someone finds me attractive or I know they don’t, I don’t let it affect me at all now. I’ll still be the same person, just like you are.

You’re a genius; of course you are, and you know that better than anybody. I’m not, not at all. Sometimes I frustrate myself with how stupid I can be. But I am a scientist too, like you, and I think that connects me strongly to you as much as all the rest. I’m studying cell biology and nothing amazes me more than how life functions; I can’t even say how much it awes me. Knowing how complex and beautiful life is gives me even more respect and love for living things, especially people, who are the most complex and beautiful of all. I love space too; I love the stars and my goal is someday to have all the constellations memorized. Sometimes I look up at them and I get this feeling that there’s more beauty and wonder out there than we could ever imagine, and being discouraged or overwhelmed with life is just wasting the chances we have to be fascinated by it. I know I’m not the only person who feels like that. I know you feel like that too, probably all the time because you can see and comprehend a lot more than I ever could.

Thank you for using your genius to help people. You don’t always get thanks for what you do, and I know that’s not why you do it, but I’m telling you on behalf of everyone you’ve ever helped, in your world and in mine—thank you. Even though I’m not smart enough to do what you do, I want to use what I have to help others on some small level too. I want that because of what you’ve shown me. I want to be the person people can trust because I’ll always be kind and wise and brave. I’m not always those things now, but I want to be. Thank you for showing me how.

I know you’re not perfect. I know you’re not infallible. I know you’ve made mistakes and you’ve hurt people and you’ve let yourself down more times than you probably want to remember. I’m not trying to downplay that or make you think I’ve got the wrong idea of who you are. I know about some of your mistakes and I know why you sometimes dislike yourself. But this letter is to tell you that, to me, you’re still the best person in the universe. And it’s not because you’re a big fantastic hero—even though you are—but because you’re you. It’s the smallest parts of your soul, the one thing about you that never changes, that make you who you are; it’s your beliefs and convictions and passions. It’s your humor and your gentleness and your courage. You’re beautiful, and knowing you has changed my life forever.

I love you, Doctor. These are the things I wish I could tell you.

Rin Krystyn  
December 7, 2019

PS I know you’ve moved on now, and I’m glad for you, but I think someone should tell you that the Metacrisis version of you and Rose Tyler are doing very well in Pete’s World. They and their family are happy and healthy, and that Earth is safer than ever with you there to defend it.

PPS In case it isn’t already obvious—if you ever wanted a companion even just for one little trip to the moon or something, I can pack a suitcase in record time and I’m always ready to run.


End file.
